I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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