Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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