Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
