i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
