Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize