I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
