Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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