Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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