He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
