Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
