first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
