You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
