If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
