when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
