YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
