I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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