If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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