tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
