i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
