Im at strip club and am horny
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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