Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize