I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
