I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
