I only kidnapped one of them. chill
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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