I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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