I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
