piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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