is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
That accounts for only three of the penises
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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