woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
