Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
