Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
