Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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