I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Randomize