Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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