Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
