I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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