too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
