also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Fuck appropriateness.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
