No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
