If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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