I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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