If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize