You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
