She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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