Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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