No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
