Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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