Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
