i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
