Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
