Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
