There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
