the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
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