just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
