My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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