new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
