wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
