i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
