Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
