I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
