I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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