hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
